Daves_Zed

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. It was taken seriously by a lot of people... MONEY The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American. MAKING FRIENDS If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. CUSTOMS Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "****." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a **** - everyone will understand and forgive you. RELAXING One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager. FOOD AND WINE British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon **** for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you. TRANSPORTATION Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. AIRPORTS One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organisation-the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!

The 'Stellas' are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, the teen's who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 list without question. Here are this year's winners: 5th Place(tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. 5th Place(tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeleswon $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps. 5th Place(tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 4th Place Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and over-turned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying recreation vehicles.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2"in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous - yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "There is no room for the pebbles or the rocks." "The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first --the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

The diary of a Londoner, Living in Aberdeenshire, "Our First Winter" DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful. DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight. A couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun. DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey. JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken. JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white s**te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush That ******* snowplough came by twice today............ Where's that bloody shovel. JAN 9th More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f******g deer on the way to casualty and car was written off. JAN 13th F****** b******d white s**te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back- I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pri*ks a**e it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a**ehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b******d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f*****g" Schumacher and buries the f******g driveway again. JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white s**te fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

Ok so I take it when your riding to work, you take no notice of cars coming up behind you then???????? NO of course you DO take note, but are you trying to tell me that you dont have to, because you as a bike rider are just as bound by the highway code as is the driver, and for that matter so is the pedestrian. Cyclist are just as responsible for their actions as the car driver - FACT At the end of the day, there are crap car drivers, crap Motor cyclists, crap peddle cyclists and stupid pedestrians, and we'll never change that, you've just gota have your witts about you. Comtempt seems to be bread into people these days, they are the only ones that are important, no-one else matters. Dave

pmsl, looks like my driveway, f*****g birds :mad: Dave

Sorry, gota dis-agree with you on that one. Your average cyclist is totally oblivious to the motroist. As I'm sure everyone here has seen before, they pull out infront of you without looking, swearve round pot-holes, other cyclists and parked cars without looking over their shoulders. This is kids, old people, and the so-called profesional cyclists, in fact almost every cyclist does all of this. It is just more of the contempt for the motorist, because they think that the motorist will get the blame for an accident, no matter who caused it. And I say this because i use to ride a bike to work, but then I passed my Cycling Proficiency at school :D:D Dave

Ok, how about this look then?? Just a quick photoshop, but you get the idea Dave

Bo***x, what happend to my pic ??? Try again

This is the radio end of the wiring loom for my Pioneer cd player. What I want to know is, is this the puka connector, or is it an aftermarket one. The main reason for asking is that if it's been added, then they did a proper job. The cars loom is the female side of this one, without any thru-crimps, straight into it, and this side is then straight upto the head units connector. Shame i'm gona rip it all out and put an ISO connector in :D. Anyway, if anyone can answer this, I'm just curious :D Thanks Dave

Glad you found the problem, and I will be carefull of the ballbearings :d, if I ever get the time to do it :D Dave

Cheers :hyper: will give it a go, when i find some time :D Dave

Yeah, lol :rofl: Totally over priced. But i know that someone on here is in the process of doing somthing similar. I beleive it may have been cos, but I'm not sure, my memory is starting to go :D They do look bloody good though :D Dave

See attachments for images of these. Dave

Right, there has been a lot of talk on here regarding various versions of the clear rear lights. Well I've just found some more, unless this has been posted before :slap: . Anyway check out the link and see what you think. CLEAR REAR LIGHTS Prices One thing that I have noticed, is that the reflector, although its position is still there, has been removed, so the fittment of another one would have to be done. HTH Dave

Are you using PhotoShop 7 by any chance to achive this?? I'd like to be able to do somthing along these lines, but not sure how to do it. I've got PS7, but am not very good at it yet :cry: I can do the basics. Any pointers you can tell me? Cheers Dave :cool:

I think you hit the nail right on the top there :rofl: Dave

Especially for those of us working this Saturday :D Link is the US 300zxclub site, didnt think they had a sense of humour, but take a look at these, quite good :D JOKES :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Enjoy Dave EDIT** Sorry they arnt on this page, I couldnt be arsed :D

oppssssss, ermmmmm ofcourse you should also check mechanically like vijay said, as well :D Sorry, forgot to mention that bit :D Dave

Yes dave, this is a similar prob to what I've got at the mo, but my back rest wont go back. The way the wiring works is the reversing of the positive feed to your seat motors, thus forward or back, depending on switch position. I've not got around to sorting mine out, but have studied the diagramm, and think it can only be the switch unit. Reasoning being is that it cant be the motor, cus it goes in the other direction, and it is the same motor for both ways. It cant be the wiring, cus it uses the same wires for both directions, just polarity swapping. So it can only be the switch. Take the switch apart and give it a good clean. if that dont work, you may need a new one ( switch), try the trader section, AndyZ may be able to supply you with one. Good luck Dave

Just checked my calendar, and I'm free on April the 4th. Have been to quite a few shows at stonleigh, it is a good venue, and quite central. Good access and good facilities. Would be up for showing, if you want me to. Dave

Check out the wiring diagramm in the on-line Service Manual. Service Manual Then run through the wiring on your seat. Just one point theough, does it go back?? Dave

Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" His father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama bin Laden," David says. "Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," Josh says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "Josh, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Josh says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him." :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

vijay :D :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :hyper:

Ok m8, first, and probably most important, check the level of your power steering fluid, if its low top it up to the correct level. Then see if your light is still on. This worked for me, and it's never come on again since :D Dave And welcome to the club.