Daves_Zed

Sorry m8, but it looks like you've gota take the door panels off and 'Bell' out the wires. If you haven't got an ohm meter you can pick one up from most car shops, I think even Argos do one, they arnt too expensive, and well worth the money for the future. Also while you've got the door panels off, you can check the condition of the speakers, ie see if the polyproperlene flexy bit has had it ( techno talk :D). When I took mine off I was surprised to fine that they had disintergrated, even though the sound was ok :confused: so the exercise was worth it. If you want anymore help with this give me a pm Dave

Thats cus i'm bored, and havent got any new jokes today :D :rofl: :rofl: Dave

I beleive, that if the spare is missing during the mot test, then they cant test it, so it doesnt count. Or in English, no you will be ok :D Dave

Alex, that is very smart, not too much, but just enough. Dave

Poll options are, 1) Yes dave should keep posting aimless/pointless and generally anoying funnies on here. 2) No Dave shouldn't keep posting them. 3) I couldn't care less, because I'm a miserable git and dont read them anyway. 4) What are you talking about. 5) Whats France got to do with it. 6) zip, zippedy shhoooolll b'ding fwlopp! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :hyper: :D Thank you for your votes :D Dave

Mike, whats the problem m8 :D I love reading all the jokes and stuff on here, so I post similar in resipitation. This is, after all, a GENERAL forum, or may it be a good idea to have a Joke forum, just for us ZX boys n girls :D Dave

Sorry m8, cant help you with your prob, but try the On-Line Service Manual and that may help you out. Dave

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback-lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!!

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported: ________________________ Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." ________________________ On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ________________________ On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." _________________________ There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" _________________________ "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." _________________________ As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ________________________ After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." _________________________ From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." _________________________ "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite." _________________________ "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." _______________________ "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." _________________________ "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children." _________________________ "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." _________________________ And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight!" ________________________ Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ..it was the asphalt." _________________________ Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" _________________________ Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." _________________________ A Westjet airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" _________________________ After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." ________________________ Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." _________________________ A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, Captain Richard came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Defo agree with Smithy on this, love the colour ;) Dave

Honest, no word of a lie, but i just got 1094.1 :D Dave

Yeah, wouldn't mind a copy of that as well m8 :D, if thats possible please. Also owned four Capri's, two 1.6 models and two 2.8 injected ones :D excelent fun :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :dance: Also had an XR4i two door, smoother, but not as much fun. Rear wheel drive action, you cant beat it :D, Oh, saying that a friend of mine brought a Mazda RX7 version three last month, two weeks later, on his way to work, lost it!! Going up-hill, on a bend, and apparentley, not going too fast, the back end swung out, and as he was correcting it hit the embankment on the other side, swung back and smashed into the embankment on his side :shock: The car cost him £8000, the estimate for the insurance cost him £8500, i think they wrote it off. He'd never had rear wheel drive before. Dave

Cant say i've noticed it working or not on mine :rolleyes: But at least the damm light stays off now, that I've put some fluid in the pot :D So can i vote for....... 'Not seen it work yet' :D :rofl: Dave

Agree with Andy, James and Herman, they rock :D Took the Z to work the other day, and the girls in the office wanted a look, so was showing them round and said ' The roof comes off', so I took one panel out and..... " Wow!!!!!!! Thats cool"............... you can imagine the grin on my face :D Dave

Not sure if this has been posted on here before, but here goes anyway :D I also recall a post somewhere about a guy who built himself a rocket powered car, and slammed it into a rock, but I'm sure if any of you know about this one, you'll put it up on here :D Subject: 2003 Annual Darwin Awards Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free drink out of it. And the nominee's this year are... 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital-the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him. 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own. 4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalised. 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition, lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the Gas Company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. AND THE WINNER... 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

VIRGO Drinking style Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ! Trademark cocktails Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks like vodka tonic or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking anything - from unflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter, low-alk guzzles like Campari and soda. They rarely change their drink once they've found it, however. Drinking buddies Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe, Keanu Reeves, Lily Tomlin LIBRA Drinking style "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favour of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops! Trademark cocktails Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it. Drinking buddies Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, Catherine Zeta-Jones SCORPIO Drinking style Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savour in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you. Trademark cocktails Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile while secretly plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's sweet taste hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal, serve them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break out the blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to seduce 'em -- though red wine will do the trick just as well. Drinking buddies Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster, Bill Gates, k.d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath, RuPaul SAGITTARIUS Drinking Style In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call). Trademark cocktails A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island iced tea (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still stay vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're attracted to shots, like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could use a nice pear cider right about now, come to think of it. Drinking buddies The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu, Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears CAPRICORN Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie. Trademark cocktails Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an old-fashioned just fine -- or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a gimlet -- or any other no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste like alcohol and generally hate drinks with more than three ingredients. However, they like the flavour of cranberry and will order a cosmo if they can handle the wait for it to get mixed. Drinking buddies Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin Luther King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard Nixon, Elvis Presley AQUARIUS Drinking style Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organising an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober. Trademark cocktails Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have never heard of: a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the colour electric blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao. They also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty martini. Drinking buddies Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah Winfrey, Elijah Wood PISCES Drinking style If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know. Trademark Cocktails Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito or three - though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches, like sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking like a fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.) Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and spiked cocoa). Drinking buddies Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor

Sorry guys, but more inane crap from me :D............................. ARIES Drinking style Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini. Trademark cocktails Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea Breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon liqueur in it. Drinking buddies Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al Gore, Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon TAURUS Drinking style Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaller -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated. Trademark cocktails Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull and vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of drinks with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide). Sweetly caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians, are ideal. More macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious, like a Jack Daniels and Coke or whiskey sour. Drinking buddie Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher, Penelope Cruz, William Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara Striesand, Uma Thurman, Renee Zellweger GEMINI Drinking style Geminis can drink without changing their behaviour much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement. Trademark cocktails Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks -- those with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double), are particularly appealing. Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map, ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail monkeys or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather noir. Gemini rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise vodka as a gift. Drinking buddies George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue, Morrissey CANCER Drinking style Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite Cancer. Even your second-favourite Cancer will do. Trademark cocktails Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine -- any brown booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda. Drinking buddies Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince William LEO Drinking style Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day. Trademark cocktails Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a taste for the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the next Manhattan. Their sense of drama ends itself to a kir royale, of course. Drinking buddies Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha Stewart, Andy Warhol

Cheers Mac, will download it tonight, when I get home.:D Dave

Oh yes I'd love a copy of that :D Cheers Dave anubis4120@msn.com

I'll go for All Of The Above :D I'm just very fvkin board :rolleyes: And has I know all you guys like this sort of stuff, I just had to share it with you :D Dave

I apologise for my excessive posting this evening. But I hope you all enjoyed them Dave :rofl: :dance: :tongue:

Micheal Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s come in his shorts." Here is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year’s hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one." Chris Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said: "I’ll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes good when you suck it." "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies." Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards’ tyres on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." Here is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." Winning Post’s Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." Beatrice Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TV viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room." During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green." Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." Charlie Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on Ground Force. "How far am I in?" he asked. "About eight inches," Charlie replied. "But I need a few more inches." James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." Steve Cram covering the men’s 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic Champion inside him." Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." Chain Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That’s enough Dick for both of you." Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There’s something big growing between my legs."

The Thought of Rainbow makes me feel old ….. Up above the streets and houses For those of you who don’t have kids or are far too young to remember the splendid children’s TV programme "Rainbow", this may be a little lost on you..... but it must have been a great episode to watch! Almost too ridiculous to believe... These are taken from original Rainbow scripts and there’s no way these could have been done by accident. Innuendo all the way !!!! The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana..... Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four " George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?" Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up" We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it. Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can’t get it in" Geoffrey: "You managed it last night" Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the Other way. Ooooooh, I’ve got it in" Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit. Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George" George: " I can’t reach, you’ll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle." Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing" Bungle: " Playing with each other, Geoffrey?" Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?" George: "Yesterday we played with each other’s balls. Are we going to play with our friend’s balls today? Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well." Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger? Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it." Bungle: " It’s my plucking instrument." Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle. Zippy: "I can, I’m the best plucker here." George "And I’m good at banging. My peg’s hard isn’t it Zippy? Zippy: "Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn’t go in if it was soft." Geoffrey; "Let’s get back to Bungle’s twanger." Bungle (excited) " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn’t we? Let’s play the plucking song. Rod and Freddy can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas." Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter. Freddy: " We could hear you all banging away" Rod: " Banging can be fun." Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy." Freddy ( looking sad ) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument." Rod ( to Jane ) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I’m twanging away?" Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas? Zippy; " No, let’s just pluck away with our twangers." George: " Yes, it doesn’t matter what size our twanger is." Zippy; "I’ve got a big red one." George: " I’ve only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it." Geoffrey (to viewers) " Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven’t got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let’s all play the plucking song." Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we’re going to pluck all day."

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hello, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said "this is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army, waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I’ll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I’ll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. Oh, and by the way, since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I’ll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I’m sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we’ve all had a long chat over a few pints, and we’ve decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners."

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people were stranded by a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred 1 Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The 2 Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them The 2 Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another at the Bulgarian woman, then started swimming The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions The 2 Chinese men have set up a liquor store, restaurant and a laundry, and have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for there stores The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body ,the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least taxes are low and it isn't raining The 2 Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litre's of coconut whisky. But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman