Ossian

Got this from a workmate today. It had me in stiches, specially the second one QUOTE From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am To: Helen Bailey Subject: Pets in the building Dear Helen, Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits. Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Pets in the building Hello David I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises? Helen From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm To: Helen Bailey Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building Dear Helen, Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place. Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not? Helen From: David Thorne Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am To: Helen Bailey Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Dear Helen, No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea. Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Hello David You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok. Helen From: David Thorne Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm To: Helen Bailey Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Dear Helen, They are very small ducks. Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss? Helen From: David Thorne Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm To: Helen Bailey Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Dear Helen, The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. . Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets. Helen **************************************** ***************************************** ******** From:Jeff Peters Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am To: David Thorne Subject: Membership Renewal Dear David This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon. All the best, Jeff Peters From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Membership Renewal Dear Jeff, Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Hello David How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags. Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff Do I get free shipping with that? Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months. From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Hello David Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead. Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Go f$*k yourself. From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Ok. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again? From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due The middle one.

Welcome :D, where about are you bud, just to update your details on the list.

In theory it shouldnt matter where you take it, the same standards should be applied at every MOT station :)

Try here, though I ordered 2 rolls of 9mm stripes and they sent up 3mm instead so am waiting to see what arrives next! http://www.paints4u.com/productsByCat.aspx?MainCategoryID=23&Mainselection=18&SubCategoryID=75&Subselection=0

The problem with hammerite is that stuff dosent like to stick to it too well, ie underseal etc. When I did my all the welding on my car I used stuff called Eastwoods rust encapsulator its a bit like primer but seals the metal and can be overpainted. I bought it from here http://www.frost.co.uk/about_us.asp they aint cheap but have lots of goot stuff.

Important Message for zerocooldel. If your coming along with the car, let me know ASAP cause trailer parking has to be arranged seperately!

Ive now received an electronic copy of the form for the event. I will need to send it away next week, so am looking to confirm numbers now. As a club we are limited to 20 places, so its first come first served hurry! hurry! hurry! you will be really disappointed if you leave it too late and all the places get filled :rolleyes: Anybody interested PM me with your registration number and also I need you to confirm the car is insured. I'm looking to send this mid week...... Ohhhh and I have to tick either modified or classic, my pen is hovering over the classic :) Bad Monkey just pm car details and I will ad you both!

pmsl :rofl:. suppose he could always turn them by hand whilst its up on stands whats with all the work, are you trying to make sure your getting your KFC

sent :)

Dont do anything to it yet! I'll send a PM bud.

Is there pretty naked women involved, if so put me down as a deffinate :)

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Yep Bilt Hamber for me as well, reportedly waxoyl dries out over time cracks and lets moisture seep in under it causing water to collect which is then unable to drain away. Dinatrol is another that is recommended by some of the classic car clubs.

I disagree strongly with your comments bud, sure I'm middle aged but it could be if I hadnt much dealings with police officers I wouldnt have known any better so might have agreed with your comments. But for the last 10 years Ive worked with or had dealings with hundreds of different officers from all of the Scottish Forces and met some English officers too. TBH you couldnt be further from the truth, yep Ive met a few i'd describe as gung ho! or jobs worths but they do it for the right reasons. Not once have I met a police officer I would have even slightest notion of likening to a chav. The vast majority believe it or not are decent guy's doing a hard thankless job..... I am often amazed at the restraint they show when dealing with some of our most salubrious members of the public, if it was me I'd have had the pepper spray or baton out. The truth is its getting harder all the time for the police to do their jobs effectively. Their hands are often tied in red tape. There is now a lot less respect for them, with more people ready to have a go at them. If they make a stand they are critised from the press, the government watchdogs, internally and even the scum that they are trying to protect us from ffs. The country is full of con artists, thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, thugs, junkies,drug dealers and terrorists, please slag off all these before starting on the police cause without them we would all be worse off ps forgot to add speeders to the list of miscreants __________________

Well where do you fancy?

whoo hoooooo Ive won already then:smw: Tam what I saw was deff coming out of the exhausts rather than something being burnt on them. worth getting the excess oil drained and rechecking though!

Yeh it was a really good day out, great roads (a bit busy on the way up though), a good bunch of guys and even the weather held. And to crown it off a GTR decided to have a play on the final strech home....boy are those fookin quick!

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And some more. Somebody acting the clown :) [ATTACH]48767[/ATTACH] [ATTACH]48768[/ATTACH] [ATTACH]48769[/ATTACH]

Sorry guys, had problems getting online today :( Here are some of my photos from the run yesterday [ATTACH]48766[/ATTACH] [ATTACH]48765[/ATTACH]

Been busy and had problems getting online this morning, I will post up some photos later on. It was a great day out the weather was pretty good as well, we even got the tops off for a while.

FFS sorry to hear its being written off, fingers crossed you get to buy it back for the engine at least!

Ok Looks like its a go for Saturday then. 10:30 Stirling services ok for everyone then?

lol and another KFC on del breaking the car again within a month of getting it back :D