Daves_Zed

Edit - oppppsssssss, sorry, :slap:

Just received all this lot via e-mail today :D (yes I know that some are repeats) MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside at Blackpool by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and some human poo into the bath. MOTORISTS - enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen , sticking half a mellon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets. EARN big money by displaying a "How's my driving?" sign on your car along with a 0906 number from BT at £1.50 a minute. Then simply drive round town like a complete idiot. CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings. FOOL passers by into thinking you have a bird of prey by wearing a gauntlet, waiving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky. DON'T waste money on expensive binoculars. Just stand closer to the object you wish to view. THICKEN up low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a sponful of lard. HOUSEWIVES - when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft. POWER companies. After a power cut always wait until midnight before turning the power back on again. That way everybody's videos and alarm clocks will automatically reset. AN odour eater in a jock strap makes a handy gas mask to protect yourself in the event of a terrorist, chemical or biological attack. WEIGHT watchers - pay someone to walk behind you eating fire or swallowing swords to divert attention from your fat body. SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to a charity shop. They will wash them and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. SUCK the eyes from attacking zombies with a black and decker "Dustbuster". The zombies can then be dispatched by the usual method. CONFUSE shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it. A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate on each end makes an ideal car for snakes. MINOR skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering cuts and grazes with strips of bacon. CAN'T afford contact lenses ? simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them to your eyes. STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. SAVE money on personalised number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. HAVING trouble getting one of those baseball caps with the peak on the back ? Just get one with the peak on the front, cut it off and sew it on the back. POP teabags in your hot water tank and you can have a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on a tap. AVOID jet lag by taking off on an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. STOP car thieves by syphoning off all your petrol whenever you park and store it in a suitable store facility. FELLAS - next time you have to wrap up a present. Don't. Instead give it to your wife or girlfriend to do and go to the pub. WHY pay for expensive jig-saw puzzles ? Just take a bag of frozen chips and try making whole potatoes. KEEP a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in raillings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out. DETER goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any you catch in the act. ACTION men embedded in half a grapefruit make adult size Subbuteo players. DISCOURAGE pigeons from sitting on your roof by tethering a cat to your TV ariel.

Well cant they order UK spec ones, they are the same arnt they ??:confused:

You trying to say that this....... is not you :shock: You've destroyed an image that I had of you (I'm not gay or owt ;)) :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I cant, :( I am at work, cant do it here.

Found this as well...................... pmsl :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: http://forums.vwvortex.com/zerothread?id=1389610 Sod-it, I'm going home now, feck all to do here :D

And another thread stolen from another forum ;) Childless couple told to try sex A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren't having sex. The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests. Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving. A clinic spokesman said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?". "We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate." The 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old husband are now being given sex therapy lessons while the university clinic undertakes a study to try to find out if there are more couples with a similar lack of sex education.

pmsl :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Just found this one.............. Link to thread............ http://www.pixcon.co.uk/showcar.php?userid=10

Same here, I thought it was our works server, as it wont let you do anything here, surprised I can still get on here :D

The problem, as I see it, with the 5, 10 or 15 mins idle time, is when I'm at work, and end up getting disturbed from looking through the forum ;) ( Bloody work :mad: ) I often get back and loose all un-read posts. On the other point, the names in the Rides section, should be bold, or somthing else, looks a bit nancy looking :x: And while we're at it, how about some more fancy smilies :D

I'll be there, but only on Sunday. :D

TBH, I would have thought that, but it wdnt let me :confused: but as soon as i put it in park, the key could come out. Well you live n' learn, lol :rofl:

oooooooooo only took 3 mins ;)............................ yeah what a knob :slap: But how many others on here will own-up to doing that ;)

Got back into town this evening from a long day at work, so thought I'd go for a KFC. Stopped just outside, went to take the key out, and the button wouldnt press to allow the key out :confused: I immediateley thought that somthing was wrong with the soloniod that alows the key out. So 'I know, I'll take it back home and sort it there', so I turned the key to start the engine....... and...................................NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! 'Oh! F**K' was my first thought. But no prob, I'm more than 1/4 mile away from home, so I'll phone the RAC and get them out, so I did. This was about 15 mins later by this time. Then I suddenly noticed what I'd done ( or hadn't done :slap: :slap: ).............. But can you guess what it was????????? I'll post back later :D ................................. But i do feel a right tw@ now :cry:

You have a very nice looking rear end there ;) I take it, thats from the JDM 350Z. Nice blue as well :D

How about the Fuji A330. 3.2 meg pixels, 3x optical zoom, 1.6x digital zoom. It comes with the standard Fuji Fine-Pix softwear, which is quite good. I've not got this particular camera, but have got the A202, which I find very good for a starter type product. The A330 should retail for about £130.

I realise you have probably read this before, but its to make you smile. According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because... Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pots and pans. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same. We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this. We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no-one minded. We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broken bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again. We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue we learned to get over it. We walked to friend's homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school, we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good. For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us. This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face. The majority of students in universities today were born between 1983 and 1986........ They are called youth. They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born. Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a God of dance. They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old Skool song. They can never imagine life before computers. They've never heard of Pac-Man or Space Invaders or BBC computers that have Bat n Ball games. They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever. They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five. They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You. They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone. Now let's check if we're getting old... 1. You understand what was written above and you smile. 2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out. 3. Your friends are getting married. 4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers. 5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head. 6. You've developed more and more feelings about your work. It's now your life. 7. You spend less and less time talking on phone with your friends daily. 8. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again and again all funny stories you have experienced together. 9. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too... Yes, you're getting older too!!!!

This was the first thing that went on mine as well, amazing how much difference it makes :D Aint it just :rofl:

Anybody else seen these before?? More HERE (WARNING - Not Dial-Up friendly)

If this counts, I've been in three national railway adverts, two for Virgin, and the other one for the national campaign to 'Come Back To The Railway'. OK the downside to that is that, although I was there, it doesnt acturally show me :cry: All of these were filmed here at the test centre just outside Melton Mowbray. They even filmed me for a 'over-the-shoulder' shot driving a train, but didnt use it :mad: :xxx: Oh Hum! At lest I know I was there :tongue: Oh and I've met Richard Branson :D nice bloke.

Air con Compressor Here There you go, one problem sorted already :D

Been playing with PhotoShop, and thought you might like this. Took the crap out ;) :x: oooopppsssss sorry, didnt mean anyone :nelson:

Yep I'll be there on Sunday, defo in the Zed. Wana meet the rest of you guys, :D Any chance of getting it in the display area :bow:

Cheers James, I'll do this then, just gota put it on the list of jobs to do ;) This list is getting bigger and bigger, lol :D

The DVLA can supply you with all the documetation they have on this vehicle, ie; the registration documents right back to when it was first registered. If it came from a UK Nissan dealer (ie a UK model) then their name and decleation that it was sold as a 1st sale, will be on the form. DVLA may charge you for this, but well worth it. As you cant otherwise prove, for deffinate, that it is a UK car just by saying that it has this or that on it. HTH