Driving to the office this morning on the M3, I looked over to my left and

there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120 mph per hour with her face up

next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway

over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!

It scared me so bad, I dropped my shaver, which knocked the

donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out

the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone

away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and

burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN

IMPORTANT CALL.

 

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!

 

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

 

After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender -

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things ...

1 The Bartender is a blonde girl

2 The bouncer is a blonde girl

3 I'm a six feet tall, 200 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter

5 The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler

 

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

 

Speaking as a blonde....yeah, that's about right, really...

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.

 

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!

 

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

 

"What will you name the baby?"

 

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says..........

 

Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him "Sum Ting Wong."

 

 

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

 

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

 

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

 

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

 

that votes.

 

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

 

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

 

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat

 

minor.

 

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

 

Blownapart.

 

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

 

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

 

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

 

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

 

large.

 

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

 

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd

 

dye.

 

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

 

 

 

Confucius say...

 

"Man who run in front of car get tired"

"Man who run behind car get exhausted"

"Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do"

"Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"

"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."