Daves_Zed

....y Loxey............. jeezzz, im bored already :D

Some very nice motors, indeed!! Shame bout the euro crap though:D The TV presenter look good :D , anyone know who she is/which TV show? And a couple of nice young ladies, lucky sod :D Sits back and awaits for the 'sexist pig' comments :p Dave

Samamtha

Lack of.............

Faggot :(

Bugger, too slow..... Local..................:D

Stream.............

Fags.................. :D

Stavros.............. :D

The perfect gift A young man wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend – not wanting to seem over-keen and after long and careful consideration decided to buy a pair of gloves cream leather with a fur trim – hoping that these would strike the right balance - nice but not too romantic. He was accompanied by his new girlfriend’s sister and purchased a delicate cream leather pair that would just fit perfectly and the sister bought a new pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping of the items the shop assistant got them mixed up and without checking the young man sealed the package and sent them to his girlfriend with this accompanying note: 'I have chosen these especially for you as I have noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears the shot ones that are easier to remove without tugging too hard. They are a delicate shade of cream but the shop assistant showed me a pair she has been wearing for a few weeks now and they were hardly soiled at all. She tried your on just to let me see how they would look and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as I know that before I have a chance to see them again, many other hands will have touched them first. When you remove them the lady in the shop suggested you might like to blow into them before putting them away as they tend to get a little damp from wearing them. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I sincerely hope you will wear them for me on Friday evening as I long to hold them whilst you are still wearing them. All my love…………………………. P.S. I have been told the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little bit of fur showing.' :D And........ (this ones a bit old, i know, but.........) A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. "The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip. "The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Loads..... :D

Giving it................

(Some are predictable) Larrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrge.............. :D

Massive

Seamen.............

NO :mad: Thanks for reminding us :mad:

Stockings............. Whay hayyyyyyyyy :D

Enjoy.................... One day, a family brings their frail elderly mother to a nursing home,and leave her there, hoping that she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast,then sit her in a chair by the window, overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after awhile slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems OK, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. Again, the nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrive to se how Mother is adjusting to her new home. 'So, Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you well??, they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." :D :D

Especially for Dave W................, A businessman is on a trip in Japan. at the end of the meeting, the Japanese managers say: 'thank you for your help in this project, if you would like to return to your hotel room, we have arranged some company for you this evening'. The businessman thanks his collagues and returns to his room where he finds a young Japanese woman ready and waiting. He switches the light off and gets on with it. After a while, the Japanses woman starts to groan and shouts (what the businessman understands as) Push Harder! So, not one to disappoint, he pushes harder. The woman continues to shout Push Harder! Push Harder! until the businessman is doing it so hard that he exhausts himself. The next day, the businessman is enjoying a round of golf with his Japanese colleagues. He hits the ball and watches it. 'Push Harder!' the Japanese man shouts. 'I beg you pardon?' asks the businessman. 'Push Harder!' the Japanese man says 'it means Wrong Hole!' :D And so as not to put endless number of posts on here............., A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have s*x with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it". The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said No. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want". Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have s*x with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have s*x, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the b***ard I want to get .... 'cos he ran over my FROG!" :D And another one...................., Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ...don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man! The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall,tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck. :D :D

I sympathise Adam, dont no wot time i'm gona get away. But at least i dont av to do it every Saturday :D Which is nice ;) In that case I'll post some more sh1te up l8a :D just to keep ur spirts up, lol Dave

Yes dave, but u get to drive ur Z, ive got my crappy Escort :mad: But will be better wen i av got a Z, cus i'll bring it out to work on days like this :D

:mad: I wish James, still aint got a Z yet!! :mad: And I'm stuck here at work all bloody day, so expect some more pointless humour yet, lol :D

I'm sat here at work, bored, so here goes........................ Farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you three times around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse the second time and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.... third gay rooster I bought this month." :D :D

up arse.....................:eek: :D

'ooooooooooooooooooooo matron' :D