> > > A blonde had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive

> > > when she accidentally cut up a truck driver. He motioned for her to

> > > pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece

of

> > > chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and

> > > gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T

> > > move".

> > > He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned

> > > around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think

>that's

> >

> > > funny? Watch this!" He got a cricket bat out of his truck and broke

>every

> > > window in her car. When he turned and looked at her she had a smile

on

> > > her face. He was getting really mad. He got his knife back out and

>sliced

> > > all her tyres. Now she was laughing. He went back to his truck and

got

>a

> > > can of gas, poured it on her car and set it on fire. He turned around

>and

> > > she was laughing so hard she was about to fall over.

> > >

> > > "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

> > >

> > > She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside of

the

> > > circle!!"

 

Hey toolmeister,

The Danish missus was not impressed!

Priceless!

 

 

 

------------------

if she wasnt impressed then its only fair the she punishes me severely

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst

way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local

vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with

the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde

shouted,

 

"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator

so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

 

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest.

Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

 

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,

set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day,

the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman

standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then,

he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

 

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of

effort hauls it On to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were

several more of the dead creatures.

 

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde

flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,

 

"Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

BACK IN 5 MINS AFTER GIGGLING FIT IS OVER! FFS! ROFLMFFFFFAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOO

 

 

 

------------------

> > The Miracle Spray

> >

> > A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the

> middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but

> unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

> >

> > The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled

> over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the

> rabbit.

> >

> > Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that

> he began to cry.

> >

> > A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side

> of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man

> what was wrong.

> >

> > "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and

> killed it."

> >

> > The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.

> >

> > She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to

> the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the

> rabbit.

> >

> > Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the

> two people and hopped down the road.

> >

> > Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people

> again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped

> another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until

> it was out of sight.

> >

> > The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be

> in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was

> in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

> >

> > The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

> >

> > It said:

> >

> > Ready for this?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

 

Seen that one before, 'tis most hil-hair-ious! Boom boom!

 

 

 

------------------

ROFL!!!!

I'm afraid I must admit to being a 'false' blonde, but credit where credit is due! We're thick, but we can't help it.... And I'm sure we have our uses!!!!!!!!!!!! xxx

I can think of 2 uses, no 3, no 4, well sometimes a blond gets it right so make it 5 uses.

 

------------------

"Polished on drive"

"Dirty at 156mph"

---------------

Z first and anything else is secondary and live life a quarter mile at a time!

John Newcomb (NukeEm)

www.geocities.com/jn300zxtt

Tooley

 

Funny as fuck mate! LOL

 

Nice one

 

Latz

 

PS You dont say much but when you do its funny

 

------------------

LOL

dont get down peeps its only football and before you all jump down my throat saying yeah buts its england just remember what has england done for any of you lot lately apart from take a third of ure wage every month and give it to asylum seekers and take 17 quid of every 20 quid you put in in juice.......just to cheer you up heres a few more snippets

 

> >>A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, " You know, we

> >>have

> >>>a wonderful system at the fire station:

> >>>BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide

> >>>down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

> >>>

> >>>"From now on," he suggested, "when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip

> >>naked.

> >>>When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we

> >>are

> >>>going to makelove all night."

> >>>The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"

> >>>The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the

> >>>wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making

> >>passionate

> >>>love.

> >>>After a few wild minutes the wife yelled, "BELL 4!"

> >>>"What the fuck is BELL 4?" cried the husband.

> >>>

> >>>"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

> >

> >

> >>A man was handing down the family business to his son.

> >>"Now Jim," the father said, "just watch as I deal with this customer and

> >>you'll learn the secret of running a successful business.

> >>

> >> "A man entered the shop and asked for a packet of grass seeds. The

> >>father handed them to him and asked if he wanted a lawn mower, to which

>the

> >>man replied, "Why would I need one of those?" "Oh," the father said "these

> >>grass seeds grow really fast." The man accepted the deal and left £80

>worse

> >>off.

> >>

> >> The Father turned to his son and said "You now know the secret of

> >>running a

> >>successful business, now you must practise" "No problem dad" replied the

> >>son "I totally get the secret and realise the importance of additional

> >>sales"

> >>The son of the shop keeper took over at the counter, when another customer

> >>walked in.

> >>"Could I possibly have a packet of Tampax please." he requested "Certainly

> >>Sir," the young boy said "and will you want a lawn mower with that?" The

> >>stunned man retorted, "Why?"

> >>

> >> "Well sir," the boy said, "You'll be doing fu ck all else this

> >>weekend, you might as well cut the grass."

> >

 

Fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.

The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and

offers him the job.

 

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

 

"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds

to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds

it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary

over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends

over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he

removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to

confirm no holes.

 

"Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

 

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside

the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.

 

Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as

100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He

picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for

holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over

she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously mas*urbate

him.

 

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who

says...

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

 

> At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke - 6ft 5

> > and

> > > 350lbs.

> > >

> > > He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously

> > > gay

>man

> > > walks

> > > in and sits beside him.

> > > After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the

>courage

> > to

> > > say

> > > something to the big Liverpudlian.

> > >

> > > Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, "Do you want a

>blow-job?"

> > > At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and

> > smacks

> > > the

> > > man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.

> > > He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving

> > > him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his

> > > seat.

> > >

> > > Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never

> > > seen

> > you

> > > react

> > > like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"

> > >

> > > "I'm not sure", the big Scouser replies, "something about a job."

 

>>---- >

> >> > Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when

all

> >>man

> >> > has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This

is

> >>a

> >> > handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the

> >> > wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

> >> >

> >> > DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

> >> > SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

> >> > SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

> >> >

> >> > DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

> >> > SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

> >> > SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

> >> >

> >> > DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

> >> > SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

> >> > SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

> >> >

> >> > DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

> >> > SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

> >> > SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

> >> >

> >> > DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

> >> > SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

> >> > SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

> >> >

> >> > TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR

> >> >

> >> > Pass My Shotgun

> >> > Psychotic Mood Shift

> >> > Perpetual Munching Spree

> >> > Puffy Mid section

> >> > People Make me Sick

> >> > Provide Me with Sweets

> >> > Pardon My Sobbing

> >> > Pimples May Surface

> >> > Pass My Sweatpants

> >> > Pissy Mood Syndrome

> >> > Plainly; Men Suck

> >> > Pack My Stuff

> >> > Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

> >> >

> >> > Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

> >> > A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this

> >>house

> >> > knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb

is

> >> > BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they

> >>figured

> >> > it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find

> the

> >> > light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD

for

> >>the

> >> > past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2

> >> > DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID

> >>light

> >> > bulbwould STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE

> >> > WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE

EVER

> >> > CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED

FROM

> >>THE

> >> > PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT

> >> > THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS

> #@*$

> >> > HOUSE!

> >> >

> >> > I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

 

Another that I've heard recently which may well have already been posted on here, but I haven't been reading this forum for a week or so, so I don't know....and caring isn't high either.

 

Q. Why do Korean women like Italian Men?

A. Because they can be on top for over 85 minutes and still come second.

 

 

------------------

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning." -Calvin (& Hobbes)

 

"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."

Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.

Why are Brazilian men better than Englishmen?

 

Cos they can lob Seaman from 35 yards.

A young man called Paul wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's christmas present and as they had not been dating for

very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too

personal.

 

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

 

During the wrapping the shop

assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

 

Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

 

 

"Dear Maria,

 

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

 

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she

had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed

to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

 

I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

 

 

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

 

Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I

hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

 

 

All my love

 

Paul

 

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

 

Mrs dunk300zxtt(Wendy)

Moby Dick's son was swimming in the ocean with his girlfriend, when he saw a ship. He said "the people on that ship killed my father and I want revenge.

 

He agreed with his girl friend that they would both take in as much air as they could, dive to the bottom of the sea and come up under the ship and blow out all of the air as hard as they could through their blow holes. As they did this the pressure made the ship explode.

 

They then saw all of the crew swimming for their lives.

 

Moby's son then said, "lets eat up all of the crew."

 

His girlfriend said " I don't mind helping you out with a blowjob, but there is no way that I am going to swallow the sea men.

Piss funny David ROFL!