LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.

 

 

 

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

 

 

 

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY

BIRTHDAY."

 

 

 

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

 

 

 

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

 

 

 

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

 

 

 

 

IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

 

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

 

 

 

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.

LET'S GO!"

 

 

 

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.

 

 

 

WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

 

 

 

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

 

 

 

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

 

 

 

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

 

 

 

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

 

 

 

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

 

 

 

ON THE COUCH...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NAKED.

 

:smash:

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

 

 

 

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

 

 

 

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE,

 

 

 

i was thinking something else there :p

Hehe, seen this before,....but very good however...

nice one

This is one I like...

 

A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner

 

Dear Audrey:

 

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during Our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

 

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor?

We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used It as a sex aid." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we Could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.

hahahaha!!

 

:smash: :smash: :bow: :hyper: :rofl:

Nice one FunkySi I like it, I was taken in at first I've never heard that one before. He He