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Every single one is completely and utterly true:

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. (for you americans, that's chips)

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) Your never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as a school child is to call your teacher Mum or Dad

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong !

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got you head or hand trapped in something

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

Featured Replies

Everyone of those are true.

 

Especially the one about getting your head or hand stuck. :D

 

Stuart

Don't waste money on expensive binoculars.

Just walk closer to the object you are viewing :D

 

Viz.

 

LMAO just read your other post and spotted the same joke!

How true are most of them.......nearly all for me!

Its good to start the New Year with so much humour.........

it wont last!!

F.T.

Originally posted by james300

That's it-I'm digging out my Viz Top Tips book!!!

 

Excellent books them, I got both one xmas and was happy for months! :D :D

 

Pete

Ok, so can't find my Top Tips book but here are some jokes....

 

A middle-aged lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices a handsome young man bagging up shopping at one of the check-outs. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over & asks if he'll carry her groceries out to the car park.

"Sure, lady," he replies cheerfully.

But no sooner are they out of the store, when she beckons him closer. "You know," she whispers seductively, "I have an itchy pussy."

"Well, you'll have to point it out to me, maam," he replies.

"All those Japanese cars look alike."

An Essex girl is out driving one day when her car skids at a roundabout and hits the vehicle in front. An ambulance is called and a paramedic quickly arrives. "What's your name love?" he asks.

"Sharon," she replies.

Looking around, the medic sees alot of blood.

"Sharon," he asks, "where are you bleeding from?"

"Romford." she replies.

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