Donald: We are twins. I am a bit older, however.
Davey: Yes, Donald is three months older than myself. I was born in 1812 overture, so I am forty.
Donald: I was born in 1941, so I am definitely 40. We don't like to mention this, though, as it can put the girls off. We were born in Shildon, the north-east, Durham.
Davey: Our dad was a gypsy.
Donald: No he wasn't, Davey man! He worked on a railway, and in the evenings he would go out with a dead tarty woman. He would return covered in pigeon feathers.
Davey: We take after our mam. She was an Indian princess.
Donald: She was lying man, Davey!
Davey: No she was not. It is you who is lying, Donald. She had jewellry which sparkled.
Donald: Stop starting, Davey! You're lying again. man!
Davey: We were brought up in the first Barratt home.
Donald: Davey, we were not!
Davey: And I used to park my Triumph sports car outside it.
Were you happy as children?
Davey: I was used as a child in adverts. I had to advertise apples. Apples out of the trees, that type. It was for the Apple Marketing Board, that is situated at Durham Tech.
Donald: You did not do any adverts. You did not start speaking until your teens. He did not do adverts, he had to go to the hospital every week.
Davey: I had Teflon on my arms.
Donald: He had the water on the brain thing.
Davey: It was Hydrofoil. They had to drain it off.
Donald: I was quite brilliant at school, but I was thrown out. First Davey was thrown out for lying, and then because I am a good fighter, I went and popped the teacher.
Did you have problems earning a living?
Davey: I worked for the Duke of Marlborough, servicing and flying his helicopter. It was bright orange with diagrams on it.
Donald: Stop starting, man Davey! He's lying again. We went straight out to work at Lowcock's Bottling Plant factory at the end of the street. We used to go round on the delivery van.
Davey: I stopped and worked in a show shop. I was the brightest spark in the shoe industry in England. I invented a shoe - I got the idea from a road going into the distance.
Donald: That's always been one of Davey's best things, his sense of style.
Davey: I had to leave, though. I didn't know you had to take money from people.
Did you earn a decent wage while you were there?
Davey: Yes, I earned two thousand pounds a day.
Donald: He's starting again!
Davey: It was two silver thousand-pound coins. That is what I was told by Roland Judd who owned the shoe shop.
Donald: When he sacked him I went and filled in Juddy, using a cup. He owned the Bottling Plant factory too, so I was made redundant. By this time our mam lost her kidneys.
Davey: And her eyes.
Donald: And her ears.
Davey: I made two new eyes out of the eyelets in shoes and two marbles. They sparkled.
What caused you to move down to London?
Donald: Our dad moved in with a woman who stank to high heaven.
Davey: She stank of milk and light-beige biscuits.
Donald: We went to the Job Centre and saw a sign saying, 'Come on Telly and be a Star. Signed Vic Reeves'.
Davey: Judith Grant from our town went down too. She had to keep her hood up because she is bald. She was after his marzipan. That's why she went bald. She handled his marzipan.
Donald: Davey man, don't tell the man that! Marzipan is private!
Davey: We got the Rapide down to London and stayed with our Uncle Pete in a Sally Army place. There was lots to eat.
How did you spend your time in London?
Donald: We went to see Mr Reeves, but we were a week early, so he made us wait. He kept us busy, like, cleaning his chimney. His chimney is 300 feet long. He lives in a factory.
Davey: I was invited to the Queen's house within an hour of arriving in London. She asked if I would like to be the King, but I said 'I simply haven't the time, Queen.'
Donald: We had been living in a house and paying rent to a man called Graham Lister, but it turned out that it was really owned by five big ginger Scots. They became Genesis.
Davey: I nicked one of their skirts, however, and that was when I started making jokes. I said 'Donald, where's me trousers?' and he said, 'I'm wearing them!'
Donald: He's a funny man, Davey Stott. Tell the man some of your jokes, Davey.
Davey: Waiter, the soup is too thick! No, sir, it's an omelet! My arms are so long, they're fifteen foot long! Waiter, there's a biro in my soup! No, sir, that's a sausage!
What are your talents, Donald?
Donald: I am a good fighter and I used to assist the police. I would crawl in the bushes looking for clues. To date they have not taken up any of my clues.
Davey: Donald also has evidence that pirates existed. In the shape of a coin.
Donald: Don't mention that, man Davey! One day I will be very rich through pirates.
Davey: Donald also wrote Tarka The Otter He made it up out of his mind.
Do you have relationships with women?
Davey: Donald has a girlfriend, but we know what she's after.
Donald: You say she's a mercenary, but I am stylish and you just can't take it.
Davey: She's fishing for your marzipan. And she has no hair.
Donald: Davey goes out with a sixty-year-old woman.
Davey: You shut up! She has no lower jaw, I'll admit to that. She can't speak very well. At all, in fact. She is often mistaken for a pelican.
Donald: She is called Old Sally. We like strippers, especially Big Margaret. She has a big bum and a big belly hanging over. She has tassles like egg cups.
What does the future hold for the Stotts?
Davey: I have been invited by Lord Belmont to ride on his horse shooting otters, so I will go.
Donald: Stop starting again, man Davey!
Davey: And Lord Longford has invited me to his house to bludgeon otters, and the King of England has asked me to go to Scotland to kill all the deer.
Donald: Stop it, Davey man! Mr Reeves says that we are his favourites. He invites us up to his house to play in his toilet. Mr Reeves looks after us.
Davey: No, Donald. It's not true. I've seen him rifling through your haversack.
Donald: Oh Davey, not another marzipan mercenary!
Davey: I stopped him, Donald. I shot him with a tranquilliser gun I got off Lord Longford and then moved it to a lock-up I borrowed off Minder.
Donald: Thank you, Davey. I love you, Davey.
Davey: I love you too, Donald.
