BRITAIN IS REPOSSESSING THE U.S.A.

 

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America :

 

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to

govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,

effective immediately.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all

states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas , which she does not

fancy).

 

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without

the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A

questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are

introduced with immediate effect:

 

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

 

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed

at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters

and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be

expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

 

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as

"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

 

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated

letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. You will relearn your original

national anthem, God Save The Queen.

 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that

you're not adult enough to be independent.

 

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not

grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own

or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be

required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own

good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric

with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both

roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of

humour.

 

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling

gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are

not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly

called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not

with catsup but with vinegar.

 

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at

all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and

European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can

be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings

and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese

grater.

 

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper

football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be

allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but

does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar

body armour like a bunch of nancies).

 

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .

Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your

error is understandable.

 

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due

(backdated to 1776).

 

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with

high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

 

John Cleese

Are they really?

Sod that, we don't want them back, they are in a worse Economic state than us :rofl:

pmsl :rofl: that's great

fpmsl at #16

LOL at #17

Hopefully its true and interest rates will go UP to help my savings