KIM Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written..... Dear Sir/Madam, Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain sirs, your obedient servant ??????? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr ??????, I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC ? Community Beat Officer --------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear PC ????? First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. Regards ? P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zx-eyes Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 LMFAO :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sussex stu Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Pure GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:bow::bow::bow: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dannzx Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 FANTASTIC! but its true thats the sad thing about it.:rant: dan.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonce Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Thats so funny!! Quote [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tulip Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 brilliant:rofl::rofl: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
murt Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
takemetothepub Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 What a twat. thinking its the police job to go tell kids not to kick a ball against a gate. And if he is bothered about a gas canister he should move it. Yeah funny email but what a fooking twat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stellaZ Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 What a twat. thinking its the police job to go tell kids not to kick a ball against a gate. And if he is bothered about a gas canister he should move it. Yeah funny email but what a fooking twat. ya fookin joking aint ya, i told the little tosspots round my way that sitting on a calor gas bottle round a fire was a real bad idea, i got nowt but jip and threats, im very wary of confronting scroates these days although the father of one of them is now very wary of me and my gloss tin, cheeky fat b4stard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
takemetothepub Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 ya fookin joking aint ya, i told the little tosspots round my way that sitting on a calor gas bottle round a fire was a real bad idea, i got nowt but jip and threats, im very wary of confronting scroates these days although the father of one of them is now very wary of me and my gloss tin, cheeky fat b4stard Blimey, whats the world come to. OH NO!!! KIDS!!! AND THEY HAVE A FOOTBALL!!!!! CALL THE COPS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!!!! :slap: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve-300ZX Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Very funny but very true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Saz Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 ya fookin joking aint ya, i told the little tosspots round my way that sitting on a calor gas bottle round a fire was a real bad idea, i got nowt but jip and threats, im very wary of confronting scroates these days although the father of one of them is now very wary of me and my gloss tin, cheeky fat b4stard why did you tell them? Id have let the little fooker blow up! No discipline and it is the parents fault! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Zed Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I had a mate who confronted some kids trying to steal the stereo from his car, and he grabbed one but all the others ran off. He got stabbed with a screwdriver before he wrestled the lad to the gound, kicked and then bitten. His missus called the police and sure enough they did not have anyone available to respond, so eventually he let the guy go. Two days later he had a brick thrown through his lounge window. ??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j1mmytt Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 If you ever need to deal with something like that yourself always act as tho its not your property etc, youl just be at a disadvantage as they know where you live and you aint got sh1t on them. Im always friendly with the crack heads and scrotes around my area, worst thing is to have grudges with these types of scum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mario Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 kids get away with far too much nowadays, but thats only down to fookin do gooders of this country & this stupid goverment for listening to them. there are kids on our close that come out with the ball, kicking it at the garages ect, but the ball has already landed on the wifes bonnet scratching the paintwork, landed on neighbours roof dinting it. if the zeds out, then i go fookin balistic as there a damn park less than 2 minutes walk away. i tell them & the parents, if theres any ball marks on it, then they WILL pay for it. they dont seem to realise the damage a ball does to paintwork & the cost of putting it right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich666 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I had a mate who confronted some kids trying to steal the stereo from his car, and he grabbed one but all the others ran off. He got stabbed with a screwdriver before he wrestled the lad to the gound, kicked and then bitten. His missus called the police and sure enough they did not have anyone available to respond, so eventually he let the guy go. Two days later he had a brick thrown through his lounge window. ??? your friend obviously didn't smash the kids head into the pavement hard enough! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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