This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

 

Wait till you read this guy's response-but read the letter

before you get to the response-----------

 

Mr. Ryan DeVries

2088 Dagget Pierson,

MI 49339

 

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;

T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Montcalm County

 

Dear Mr. DeVries:

 

It has come to the attention of the department of Environmental

Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the

above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified

as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following

unauthorized activity:

 

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across

the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior

to the start of this type of activity. A review of the

Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore,

the

Department has determined that this activity is in violation of

Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource

and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts

of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the

Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

 

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams

partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and

flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this

nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The

Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all

activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a

free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams

from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed

no later than January 31 2002.

 

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed

so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our

staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized

activity on the site may result in this case being referred for

elevated enforcement action.

 

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation

in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office

if you have any questions.

 

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative

Land and Water Management Division

 

 

This is the actual response sent back -------------

 

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;

T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Montcalm County

 

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to

me to respond to.

 

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner

and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am

the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State

unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two

wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring

Pond.

 

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam

project, I think they would be highly offended that you call

their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

 

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate

their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever

match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam

ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination

and/or their dam work ethic.

 

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware

that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of

this type of dam activity.

 

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to

said dam request?

 

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,

through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed

copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that

have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam

violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural

Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the

Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113

of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

 

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers

entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are

financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-

so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The

Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams

failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that

this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required

to protect.

 

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers

alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition

please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest

them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam

letter they being unable to read English.

 

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right

to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue,

the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have

more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the

Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection

lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources

(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).

 

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case

can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.

Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be

under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your

dam staff to contact/harass them then.

 

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real

environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the

bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely

believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and

leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the

beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful

where they dump!)

 

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being

unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am

sending this response to your dam office.

 

Sincerely,

> > > > > Stephen L.Tvedte

 

 

 

That's real quality humour!!! ROFLMFAO

 

Oi...teacher...leave them beavers alone!!!

 

 

 

------------------

DAM that was funny!

All I can say is CLASS!!!

 

Leigh

 

 

LOL! god dam funny eh

It is little things like this that make America great.

 

Absolute class!

 

 

------------------

->Glen

-

Skyline GT-R

'You dont so much drive this car -

as hang on for dear life..'

J.Clarkson

Glad you all enjoyed it!, I found it 'lurking' on a newsgroup were I 'reside' during the daytime!.

Tony

Excellent!!

 

Who doesn't like beaver???