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Any jokes guys????


Guest charis300zx

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Guest charis300zx

I'm fucking sad today and i need 1-2 to cheer up a little. I hope to all of you not to fall in love and have no response from the other side it really sucksssssssssssssssssss.

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Guest Clair

Can't think of any jokes at the moment...

Will a funny picture or two help biggrin.gif

 

ice.jpg

 

squirrel.jpg

 

P.S. I'm in love and of on honneymoon in three weeks biggrin.gif Sorry frown.gif

 

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oi.jpg

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Guest Steve.r

A picture and a joke for you....

 

argy.jpg

 

TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS:

 

HSBC Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new

"Drive-thru" cash point machines where our customers will be able to

withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers to

make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioral studies to come up with the appropriate procedure for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you, (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and

remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.

 

 

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into the machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.

 

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS.

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car window with the cash machine.

 

3. Restart the stalled engine.

4. Wind down the window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and locate card.

6. Turn the radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to it's excessive

distance from the car.

9. Insert card.

10. Re-insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back

page.

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19. Re-check makeup.

20. Drive forward 2 metres.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.

25. Drive for 2 or 3 Kilometres.

26. Release handbrake.

 

 

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hi mate,

is your mail working ok? have sent you a couple of mails but no reply? have sent the cap over (you should have it by now?) can you send us the cash please?

cheere Kris

 

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sainsbury condoms-making life taste better.

 

Tesco condoms-every little helps.

 

Nike condoms-just do it.

 

Peugeot condoms-The ride of your life.

 

Galaxy condoms-Why have rubber when you can have silk.

 

KFC condoms-Finger licking good.

 

Minstrels condoms-melt in your mouth not in your hand.

 

Safeway condoms-Lightening the load.

 

Abbey national condoms-Because life is complicated enough.

 

Coca Cola Condoms-The real thing.

 

Ever ready condoms-keep going and going.

 

Pringles condoms-once you pop you just can`t stop.

 

Burger King condoms-Home of the whopper.

 

Goodyear condoms-For a longer ride go wide.

 

Flash condoms-Just sit back,relax and let flash do all the hard

work.

 

On Digital condoms-Plug and Play!!!

 

Royal Mail condoms-I saw this and thought of you.

 

Andrex condoms-Soft strong and very long.

 

Renault condoms- size really does matter!!!

 

Ronseal condoms-does exactly like it says on the tin.

 

Domestos condoms-gets right under the rim!!!

 

Heineken condoms-reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

 

Carlsberg condoms-Probably the best condoms in the world!!!

 

Mars condoms-A condom a day keeps the doctor away!!!

 

AA condoms-The 4th emergency service.

 

Pepperami condoms-it`s a bit of an animal.

 

Polo condoms-The condom with the hole!!!(Very Poor Seller!!!)

 

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A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress

Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. H

e, being a devoted husband, protested,

but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need fo

r his good time to be spoiled by not

going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,

awakened without pain, and, as it was

still early, decided to go to the party.

 

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by

watching her husband to see how he acted

when she was not with him.

 

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing

with every nice chick he could and

copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry

and devoted his time to the new stuff

that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished,naturally, since he was her husband.

 

After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so

off they went to one of the cars and had

a quickie in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home

and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he

would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she aske

d what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh,

the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did

you dance much?"

 

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown

 

and some other guys, so we went into the

spare room and played poker all evening."

 

Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume play

 

ing poker all night!" And the husband

returned "actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"

 

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A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to

the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

>

> After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep.

>

> The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

>

> In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes the woman and says:

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you

could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"

>

> The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says: "I have a better

idea, just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."

>

> The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

>

> The woman says "GOOD..... Get your own f * cking blanket"

> ***

 

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station

wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a

terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the

attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will

talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up

his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at

the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and

have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

 

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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels

really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a

paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk," I hope you don't mind me

asking, but how old do you think I am "About 35,"was the reply. "I'm actually

47," the man says happily.

 

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch

and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess

that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good

about himself.

 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same

question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I

was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down

your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your

exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and

let her slip her hand down his pants.

 

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK,

it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you

do that?" The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you in McDonald's"

 

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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels

really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a

paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk," I hope you don't mind me

asking, but how old do you think I am "About 35,"was the reply. "I'm actually

47," the man says happily.

 

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch

and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess

that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good

about himself.

 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same

question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I

was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down

your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your

exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and

let her slip her hand down his pants.

 

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK,

it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you

do that?" The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you in McDonald's"

 

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Guest charis300zx

Thanks thanks thanks..................................................................

 

Tooley still waiting for ur e-mail to tell me how much is the shipping and your bank details also.

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Guest charis300zx

ahh tooley is it alc I or alc II do you know the difference? I'll buy it anyway but just asking. the jokes were great beleive me it was a big help in the situation i am.

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