A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

 

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

 

 

A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he

is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting. Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around. In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well. He asks the leprechaun what is going on. "Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."

"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"

"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."

"And them out there?" asks the guy, You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."

 

 

 

A guy and a girl met at a bar.

 

They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.

 

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

 

So the girl looks at him and says, 'You must be a dentist'.

 

The guy all surprised says, 'Yes, how did you figure that out'?

 

The girl says, 'Easy, you keep washing your hands'.

 

One thing led to another.

 

They make love.

 

After they were done, the girl says, 'You must be a GREAT dentist'.

 

The guy was very surprised, he says, 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??'

 

The girl says, 'Easy, I didn't feel a thing!'

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine

>children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus

>arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids

>are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide

 

>to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of

 

>the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to

 

>him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?

>That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If

you

 

>had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding on the bus

>instead of walking ... so shut the f^$# up."

 

:smash:

:rofl: :rofl:

Bump So Everyone Can Read This And It May Make Their Day Better.

pmsl :rofl: very good matey :D

Lmao

:rofl: like the second one, controversial but funny.