Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

>

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one

afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower.

I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.

 

The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill

> the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and

shot myself."

>

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story.

>

Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

 

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practising them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed

in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

>

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

 

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

St Peter's sat at the ol' pearly gates when a bus full of scousers arrives. One of them hops off the bus and walks over to St Peter...

 

"What happened to you lot then?" askes St Peter...

 

"Dare was a terrible accident on the motorway, on the way to the match like.... can we all come in like?" replies the scouser..

 

"Well, we dont usually accept coach parties...but hang on and i'll ask the BOSS" ...and off he goes to see GOD.

 

St Peter wanders into Gods office and explains the situation... After much thought, God agrees to let the coach load in, and off pops St Peter to deliver the good news.

 

5 minutes later St Peter rushes back into Gods office screamin "they've gone, they've gone"....

 

"Who, the scousers!" replies God.

 

"No, the pearly gates!" replies St Peter.

ROFL !!!

 

Very good Shaun ...

 

Cheers for that - I needed a little light entertainment!

 

Danny

I like it!! So how is life in Pakiston, oops, I mean Preston!!! I'll be up there next weekend.

...well if ya fancy a beer let me know. Will try and drag Nick (Cteam_S13) out as well...

 

His 200 is fookin flyin at the mo (new gated variable boost thingy now fitted)

 

 

Cool, I'll let you know nearer the time. You'll have to E-mail me your phone number.

He Who Drinks Australian...................An Australian guy goes into a

>bar

>in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian

>barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.

>Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night

>he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him. Although she is attracted to

>him she says no. He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is

>traveling the world and because she is short of funds she

>agrees.

>

>The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of

>attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for

>$200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the

>night before - so she agrees.

>

>This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.

>But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill

>is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.

>She

>goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and hetells

>her Melbourne.

>

>"So am I" she says.

>"What suburb in Melbourne?"

>"Glen Iris" he says.

>"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

>"Cameo street" he says."

>"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

>He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

>"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my

>parents still live there!"

>"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

>

>He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

>

>

 

 

Ha ha, I heard that one just this week too!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

 

"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

 

"I should be in charge" said the blood, because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

 

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

 

"I should be in charge" said the legs, because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

 

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

 

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

 

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

 

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

 

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge.

 

 

Fella walks into the chemists and approaches the counter....

 

"Box of condoms please" sez the guy.

"Certainly sir, what size?" replies the Chemist.

"Oh, err not sure, how can i tell?" says the bemused customer.

"Well, if sir unzips and pops it out on the counter, i can assess the size for you"

 

The customer agrees, and pops "mini-me" on the counter. The Chemist gives it a couple of strokes and turns to the back room and shouts to his assistant....

 

"Mavis........Box of LARGE condoms please".

He serves the man and he leaves the shop.

 

10 minutes later.... another man walks into the chemists and approaches the counter....

 

"Box of condoms please" sez the guy.

"Certainly sir, what size?" replies the Chemist.

"Oh, err not sure, how can i tell?" says the bemused customer.

"Well, if sir unzips and pops it out on the counter, i can assess the size for you"

 

The customer agrees, and pops "mini-me" on the counter. The Chemist gives it a couple of strokes and turns to the back room and shouts to his assistant....

 

"Mavis........Box of MEDIUM condoms please".

He serves the man and he leaves the shop.

 

10 minutes later, a young schoolboy enters the chemist and walks sheepishly up to the counter....

 

"Errr can i errrr have a box of condoms please" sez the schoolboy.

"Certainly sir, what size?" replies the Chemist.

"Oh, err not sure, how can i tell?" says the bemused lad.

"Well, if sir unzips and pops him out on the counter, i can assess the size for you"

 

The schoolboy agrees, and pops "mini-me" on the counter. The Chemist gives it a couple of strokes and turns to the back room and shouts to his assistant....

 

"Mavis...............Cloth please".

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells

them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

 

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again

explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets

off on his way.

 

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies

Scouse Eggs.

 

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The

dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".

Just a quickie

 

A bloke is walking down the street and he walks up to this other bloke and says 'excuse me mate, can you tell me where the other side of the road is'?

 

Looking bemused the other bloke says 'yes mate, it's over there'

 

Bloke; 'oh thanks, some twat sent me over here!'...