I feel that the forum has been getting too intellectual and up-market so thought I should offer the following. I apologise to those I offend - and I expect there will be some !

 

> It's A Dump

> I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement

> as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios

> listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.

>

>

> The Perfect Dump

>

> Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump.

> It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the

> worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece

> that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic

> high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it

> was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in

> the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

>

>

> The Beer Dump

>

> Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of

> too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is

> a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious

> malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked

> flames are ill advised.....

>

>

> The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

>

> Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with

> you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie

> starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass

> look like "a Japanese Flag."

>

>

> The Empty Roll Dump

>

> Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an

> empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.

> You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are

> the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You

> then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"

> must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle

> yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always

> use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

>

>

> The Splash Back Dump

>

> This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water

> that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock.

> Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half

> way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

>

>

> The Childbirth Dump

>

> This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by

> nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.

> First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and

> wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the

> newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster

> loaf!" There are only three things you can do:

>

> 1. Scream

> 2. Call an Obstetrician

> 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through

> it.

>

>

> The Machine Gun Dump

>

> Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime

> peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that

> break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next

> cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his

> umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

>

>

> The Sound Effect Dump

>

> You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work

> mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever

> techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit.

> Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try

> the following:

>

> 1. Flush the toilet

> 2. Drop loose change on the floor

> 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

>

>

> The Cling-On Dump

>

> You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.

> You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle.

> You twist and pump but the little thing just hangs there,

> suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water

> below. If only you had some scissors.......

>

>

> The Whole Roll Dump

>

> No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the

> whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times.

> The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet

> paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash

> clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

>

>

> The Encore Dump

>

> Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are

> about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming

> on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.

> The world record is seven encores.....

>

>

> The Houdini Dump

>

> You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep

> down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush?

> Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear

> and smile at the next person who comes in.

 

Excellent! I is most amused Dave...ROFL!!!

 

What a load of shit get it??? Load of shit LMAO

 

CheerZ,

 

Andy

Still laughing.

I do all the aforementions deposits in one day!! LMAO

 

 

 

------------------

 

Glen

:)

Started off thinking mmmmm but ended laughing me head off, what a cool start to the day ..cheers Hairsy

Jeff TT

 

Cheers Hairsy! Still laughing! I think this post is worthy of some sort of award.

 

Thanks!

 

Danny