Can you cry under water?

 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

 

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

 

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

 

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 

If a 999 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!". Or watch a white thing come out a chicken rear and think ,"that ought to taste good"

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 

What do you call male ballerinas?

 

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Some good `uns there . That`s the kind of stuff that Steven Wright comes up with , but he gets a bit more surreal . Thanks for sharing :D

PMSL ! :rofl: :rofl:

 

Apart from the hemorrhoid bit ! :(

Mines are like a bunch of grapes, and it aint funny ! :( Especially after a Chilli !

 

Alan.........

PMSL ! :rofl: :rofl:

 

Apart from the hemorrhoid bit ! :(

Mines are like a bunch of grapes, and it aint funny ! :( Especially after a Chilli !

 

Alan.........

 

TMI :rolleyes: :p

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!".

 

 

 

Did they try on a bull aswell? LOL :smash:

Here's a couple more:

 

 

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do they call it roadworks, when the road is being fixed?

Why is the word 'career' used to describe progress in a profession, but is also used to describe something that is out of control?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "able bodied" people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why is stealing ideas from one person called plagiarism, but to steal ideas from many is called research?

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Is there another word for synonym?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Would you ever see the sign: "Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events"?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are Walker's Cheese & Onion crisps in a a blue packet, and Salt & Vingar in a green packet, but every other crisp manufacturer does the opposite?