hello everone

evening :D

:rofl: why hello there.

 

Is someone bored :tongue:

i think he must be :rofl:

hows your day my friends, hope your all doing fine.

fine but stressful, trying to get all my work done before i go ceroc dancing tonight & jet off to valencia tomorrow morning :D

 

And how about you fella?

Wheely Bin

Can't Post

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

 

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the chap.

 

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

 

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

 

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

 

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man

 

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?"

 

"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having w*nk"

sorry if the above post offends :)

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

 

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two as*es come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two as*es, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

 

The lady can't take this any more,

 

"You foul-mouthed s*x obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

 

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our s*x lives.

 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

 

"Who talkin' abouta s*x? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how

 

-

pmsl :rofl: doesn't offend me in the slightest lol

>A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

>This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very

>nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

>

>The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her

>nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making

 

>her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve

>herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

>

>It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.. Before she

>even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over

 

>at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in

a

>rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

>

>The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her

>face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain

>again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and

>longer rrrrrip.

>

>The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!". Once

>again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman

 

>had

to

>let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a

>fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

>

>Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

>"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

>

>Send this to someone who needs a laugh.

>

WELCOME TO AIR ????! XPRESS

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain smith (Boniface)

 

Welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air ???

 

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

 

This is flight 717 to tokyo. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in karachi And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

 

Air ??? has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

 

It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!

 

To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary beer and vodka

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

 

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Emirates Airline, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

 

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

 

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."

 

ENJOY AIR ???

Wives Night Out

 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very

faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on

the Bacardi Breezers.

 

 

Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to take a pee so they

stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so She

thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend However

was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to Ruin

them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had A

wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

 

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally

sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the

other husband and said, "These damn girly nights have Got to stop. I'm

starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with No panties! I'm

going to kill the son of a b#tch!"

 

 

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a Card

stuck between her a#se that said "From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you."

>

>

>Driving Styles ...

>

>One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.

>- Sydney

>

>

>

>One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn

>- Japan

>

>

>

>One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on

>accelerator...

>- Boston

>

>

>

>Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in

>terror

>- New York

>

>

>

>Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk

>to someone in back seat

>- Italy

>

>

>

>One hand on horn,

>one hand on holding gear,

>one ear listening to loud music,

>one ear on cell phone,

>one foot on accelerator,

>one foot on clutch,

>nothing on break,

>eyes on females in next car,

>

>

>- Welcome to INDIA!!!!!!!!

>

fine but stressful, trying to get all my work done before i go ceroc dancing tonight & jet off to valencia tomorrow morning :D

 

And how about you fella?

 

 

You going on holiday then mate?

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.

 

The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute

steal at only £20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a

result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm

broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

In Saying this, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks

at the woman.

"F**k me, a new br0thel and a new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a br0thel" scolds the woman trying

not to laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters

arrive home.

"Un-f**king-believable. A new br0thel, a new madam, and now two

new pr0stitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not pr0stitutes" complain

the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at

their new pet.

They were still all laughing when the woman's husband Dave comes

home.

"In-f**king-credible, a new br0thel, a new madam, new pr0stitutes,

but the same old clients..... How ya doin', Dave?"

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are bored today aren't you matey :D lol

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girl-friend and I

had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to

get married. There was only one little thing bothering

me... it was her beautiful younger sister. My

prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would

regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always

got more than a pleasant view. It had to be

deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone

else.

 

 

One

day "little" sister called and asked me to come over

to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I

arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings

and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She

told me that she wanted to make love to me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her

sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a

word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and

if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get

me."

 

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled

off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a

beeline straight to the front door I opened the door,

and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all-clapping!

 

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, "We are very happy that you have passed our

little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for

our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

 

 

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your

condoms in the car...

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

 

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

 

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

 

So off goes the little lad.

 

"Mum?"

 

"Yes son?"

 

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

 

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

 

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

 

"Dad?"

 

"Yes son?"

 

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

 

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:

 

"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

 

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

 

The father turns to his son and says;

 

"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

 

The son says,

 

"Yes dad I have."

 

"Good son, what is it?"

 

The son replies,

 

"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B*****ds"

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

 

 

 

The wife says nothing,

Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"

He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,

And she's a far better lover than you are."

 

 

Again the wife stays quiet,

But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

 

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

 

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

 

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

 

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

 

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,

The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

 

Moral of the Story :

 

Women are clever!!!

 

Don't mess with them!!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know

where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

 

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for

the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel

manually.

 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.

Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do

this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

 

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I

paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the ****ing floor.

 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a

choice there, did ya sunshine?

 

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?

If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an

improvement, then there must have been something before it.

 

8. When people say "life is short". What the ****?? Life is the longest damn

thing anyone ever ****ing does!!

What can you do that's longer?

 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone a! sks "Has the bus come

yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass

PMSL...still not offended....

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM He left it where he new she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper

by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

keep going you might offend us at some point :D

thats enough lol

lol, your ctrl, c & v keys must be worn out now :D