Forwarded by a mate of mine in the FTO club

 

Haynes Repair Manual - Explained For those of us that have ever used a Car Manual

 

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with grip wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

 

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

 

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

 

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

 

Haynes: Pry...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into it.

 

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

 

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

 

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the cap.

 

Haynes: Lightly...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

 

Haynes: Weekly checks...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

 

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

 

Haynes: One spanner rating.

Translation: Your Mom could do this... so how did you manage to screw it up?

 

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

 

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you idiot!

 

Haynes: Five spanner rating.

Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

 

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

 

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "!@*&?" repeatedly under your breath.

 

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

 

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

 

Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

 

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

 

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

 

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: But you swear in different places.

 

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

 

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...

Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

 

Haynes: Everyday tool kit

Translation: Ensure you have an AA Card & Mobile Phone

 

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

 

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

 

That's exactly the same as the Nissan manual.

 

To remove main gear shaft from gearbox..

" press main shaft"

Twat it with a lump hammer really hard until it starts to move, then twat it just as hard for the next 12" until it actually coes out."

 

Another gem, to remove main counter gear.

"...Use suitalbe puller to remove gear"

 

In reality means, you can get a suitable puller as no such tool exists, instead use two chisels and lump hammer from previous exersice to pry the fucker loose.

 

 

Excellent

But frighteningly accurate.

 

Funny, funny, funny - oh, sorry, I think I was supposed to say ROFLMAO

 

Been there, done that - engine replacement in a snow bound garage with no heat. When that deep scrape warms up, it's going to hurt like... like.. like... a thing that hurts a lot.

 

The first one of these I saw needs no translation - in a manual for a BSA Bantam D14/4 (christ, really showing my age now) it said

 

adjust the flywheel by tapping it gently....

 

with a large lead faced lump hammer!

 

(bang, crash, swear, miss - hit knee, jump up knock bike over, stand hits crutch, watering eyes mean grab for handlebars misses, coffee knocked into baccy, %^$£"^%£ -~?/.!!!$ **ck **gger etc..._

 

------------------

just as well there ant no haynes manual for a z32 en it! well i cant get one. so will have yo use the cd rom and printer cos i cant afford nissan w/shop printed version.

anyway part numbers will be wrong and will have to pay that inevetable £25.00 surcharge!

Hows about trying a non nissan main dealer so you don't get the surcharge??? I know for a fact Hiteq can give you part numbers and a price whether its import or not....

 

Just a thought....

 

CheerZ,

 

Andy