ok sorry its so long but here goes

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on

it. I said,

"Thyroid problem?"

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a

new bike. Then I realised, God doesn't work that

way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

 

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't

get my wife to go swimming.

 

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step

ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder

 

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any

time'. So I ordered French toast during the

Renaissance

 

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of

different names but one day I turned to my bullies

and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but

names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there

on it was sticks and stones all the way

 

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',

which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire

brigade

 

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a

good partner, you'd better have a good hand

 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My

neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No,

Six should be enough'

 

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are

they made out of meat?

 

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get

all nervous and give the wrong answers

 

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

 

Peter Kay's questions;

 

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you

get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all

the way down to the core of the earth?

 

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth

closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling

your a*se?

 

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first

thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob,

and I am an alcoholic'?

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the

freezer?

 

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through

mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the

toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

 

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,

'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and

drink whatever comes out'?

 

What do people in China call their good plates?

 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for

the time, but don't point to their crotch when they

ask where the bathroom is?

 

What do you call male ballerinas?

 

Why is a person that handles your money called a

'Broker'?

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is

made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made

from?

 

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are

over a billion stars in the universe, you believe

them, but if they tell you there is wet paint

somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet

Spagetti?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's

face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a

car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

 

Peter Kay's Universal Truths;

 

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones

 

At the end of every party there is always a girl

crying

 

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a

pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets

synchronised with a complete stranger

 

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green

crisps

 

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the

digits 55378008 into a calculator - then turned the

figures upside down

 

Reading when you're drunk is horrible

 

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel

really manly

 

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law

or not to have a fire in your back garden

 

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl

 

You never know where to look when eating a banana

 

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat

 

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly

 

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up

a bouncy ball

 

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses

 

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into

your school

 

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it

would kill you at the first given opportunity

 

Some days you see lots of people on crutches

 

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,

flushed half way through and then raced against the

flush

 

Old women with mobile phones look wrong

 

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a

Frisbee

 

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited

 

You never ever run out of salt

 

Old ladies can eat more than you think

 

You can't respect a man who carries a dog

 

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel

when you've got your hand or head stuck in something

 

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers

 

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody

who has had their arm broken by a swan

 

The most painful household incident is wearing socks

and stepping on an upturned plug

 

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

 

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a

thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with

 

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose

 

Bricks are horrible to carry

 

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is

not putting it in a fruit salad

were on a roll now!

 

How Dare You How Dare YOU!!

psmsl :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

look it me ... mr B ...mr busy bee !!! now who's started...now whos started !! the blokes class !!

Ya can peak to soon son......Like ya dad! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Living the dream................................ Come on!!