----Dear US Citizens,

 

In the light of your failure to elect a human as President of the USA and

thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will

resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other

territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister

(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until

now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a

minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and

the Senate will be disbanded

 

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the

following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up revocation; in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then

look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just

how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated

in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is

nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell

'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

 

2. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not

'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix' ise'. You will

learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are

welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct

pronunciation.

 

3. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up

vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler

noises such as like and “you know” is an unacceptable and

inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed;. There will be no

more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope

with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to

develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

There is no such thing as US English;. We will let Microsoft know on your

behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the

reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of

 

You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to

learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart;

will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about

regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in

England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it

Devonshire, all American States will become shires; e.g. Texasshire,

Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will

not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who

can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen;,

but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get

confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing Americanfootball;. There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American football; is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders

may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no

longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

 

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult

game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby

(which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a

rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You

should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host An event called

the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since

only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world Beyond your borders, your

error is understandable.

 

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called

rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,

collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be

allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable

peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle

potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry

a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own

good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of

humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%

of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist

on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut

and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer

which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more

aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all

tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be

doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer

at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be

referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance

will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer

will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Donkey p*** with the exception

of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be

referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Donkey p***. This will allow true Budweiser

(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be

sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline as you will

be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former

USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the

Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -

get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns or lawyers.

The fact that you need so many lawyers shows that you're not adult enough to

be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult

enough to sort things out without suing someone then you're not grown up

enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you

for your co-operation

LMAO :D

 

Like it!

section 9 - i see we wernt stupid enough to tell them to drive British cars :D

I like this, I like this a lot. :D

HERE BLOODY HERE :bow:

About bloody time!!!!! :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper:

Nice one. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

hehe..read this on that US Forum regarding the Clarkson/Togear versus USA/Corvette debate a few weeks ago.......very, very good :D

16. You do not run businesses as tightly as possible - always looking for short-cuts, ways to cut costs down to a bare minimum, ways to stretch people to the absolute limit, just so that the money can sit and build up in a giant bank account somewhere. You will plough some profits back into the business to make the workplace more pleasant and to make people's jobs more enjoyable.

 

That's straight from the horses mouth :mad:

LMFAO ! ! ! And they say the British don't have a sense of humor.

Well.... all I can say, is it's about bloody time! Cheers! :duffer: