All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight

"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here

are some examples that have been heard or reported:

________________________

 

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to

smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can

light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

________________________

 

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the

pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and

will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to

enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

________________________

 

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."

_________________________

 

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of

this airplane"

_________________________

 

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us

the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

_________________________

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice

came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

________________________

 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight

attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening

the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell

everything has shifted."

_________________________

 

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to

Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and

pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know

how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

_________________________

 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from

the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If

you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before

assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child,

pick your favourite."

_________________________

 

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll

try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody

loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

_______________________

 

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."

_________________________

 

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.

Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting

children... or other adults acting like children."

_________________________

 

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything

left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please

do not leave children or spouses."

_________________________

 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to

have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none

of them is on this flight!"

________________________

 

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake

City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a

bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

attendant's fault ..it was the asphalt."

_________________________

 

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was

really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight

Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in

your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left

of our airplane to the gate!" _________________________

 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask

you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

_________________________

 

A Westjet airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,

smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in

light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the

eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had

gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,

do you mind if I ask you a question?" Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What

is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

_________________________

 

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on

with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash

and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the

gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are

silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage

to the terminal."

________________________

 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you

folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge

to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll

think of US Airways."

_________________________

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable

cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight

Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good

and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back

and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, Captain

Richard came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so

sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight

attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see

the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You

should see the back of mine!"

Flight Attendant: Good morning sir, would you like some of our TWA coffee ?

Aale Passenger: No, but I wouldn't mind some of your TWA tea !