The Darwins

Not sure if this has been posted on here before, but here goes anyway :D I also recall a post somewhere about a guy who built himself a rocket powered car, and slammed it into a rock, but I'm sure if any of you know about this one, you'll put it up on here :D

Subject: 2003 Annual Darwin Awards

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again.

You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the

person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in

the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which

toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free drink out of

it. And the nominee's this year are...

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.

Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the

fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house

down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of

suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and

weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and

white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to

create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask

that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its

place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube

approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into

his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police

found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family

very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when

another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants

of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They

were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details

before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not

breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch

naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she

noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and

removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital-the

police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had

made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they

discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of

putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two

electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).

According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of

the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near

Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and

killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have

qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the

driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had

started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press

the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried

to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax

County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these

straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to

the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren

Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone

because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had

assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"

Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a

friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The

friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalised.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of

a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all

potential sources of ignition, lights, power, etc. After the building had

been evacuated, two technicians from the Gas Company were dispatched. Upon

entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the

dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later

described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and

retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.

Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse

exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of

the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.

The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as

'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER...

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez

tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed

to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to

his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the

machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the

mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed

and tumbled from his perch.Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball

washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in

a normal stance,and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was

ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever

and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and

flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the

rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new

$300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using

to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the

remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But

because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity,

we have allowed it.