Saddam and the Irish

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said "this is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army, waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I’ll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I’ll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. Oh, and by the way, since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I’ll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I’m sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we’ve all had a long chat over a few pints, and we’ve decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners."