Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never

hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline

pilotsand control towers from around the world:

 

 

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for

Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An

irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right

onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know

it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get

it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to

sort this out! You stay right there and don't move 'til I tell you to! You

can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want

you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You

got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every

cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

------------------------------------

 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down.

 

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off

Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

-------------------------------

 

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

 

"I'm f...ing bored!"

 

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

 

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 

-----------------------------

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7"

 

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

runway."

 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?"

 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 

----------------------------

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was

with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call

sign Speedbird 206:

 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

 

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

 

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vhere you are going?"

 

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

 

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

 

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

 

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944 -- but I didn't

land."

 

----------------------------

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

 

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

 

--------------------------

 

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance

time?"

 

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

 

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

 

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!

:rofl:

PMSL!:rofl:

 

Particularly the "1944" one!:eek: :D :rofl: