Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing each other for a while. One asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last month. He went out into the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, he had a massive heart attack and died right there in the vegetable patch"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"I opened a tin of peas instead"
Two married pals are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His mate looks at him and says, "Well you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech up into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the cupboard, jump into bed, rub my cold hands on my wife's warm arse and say, "How about a blowjob?".....
..and she's ALWAYS sound asleep!"
God called Noah one day and said, "Noah, I need you to build another ark"
"What like the last one?" says Noah.
"Err, no... I need this one to have six storeys" says God.
"So do you want me to lead all the animals two by two into the ark again?" asks Noah.
"No," says God, "I want you to just take fish onboard"
"Ok," says Noah, "What kind of fish?"
"Just carp" says God.
Puzzled, Noah asks, "Why just carp?"
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God replies...
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.
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..."Because I've always wanted my very own multi -storey carp ark"
Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing each other for a while. One asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last month. He went out into the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, he had a massive heart attack and died right there in the vegetable patch"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"I opened a tin of peas instead"
Two married pals are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His mate looks at him and says, "Well you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech up into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the cupboard, jump into bed, rub my cold hands on my wife's warm arse and say, "How about a blowjob?".....
..and she's ALWAYS sound asleep!"
God called Noah one day and said, "Noah, I need you to build another ark"
"What like the last one?" says Noah.
"Err, no... I need this one to have six storeys" says God.
"So do you want me to lead all the animals two by two into the ark again?" asks Noah.
"No," says God, "I want you to just take fish onboard"
"Ok," says Noah, "What kind of fish?"
"Just carp" says God.
Puzzled, Noah asks, "Why just carp?"
.
.
.
.
.
God replies...
.
.
.
.
.
.
..."Because I've always wanted my very own multi -storey carp ark"
:rofl: :dance:
Dave