Ho ho ho........these made me chuckle.........

 

 

 

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

 

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

 

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

 

 

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

 

 

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

 

 

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

 

 

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

 

 

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said

"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

 

 

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

 

 

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 

 

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

 

 

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

 

 

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. (my favourite!)

 

 

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

 

 

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

 

 

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

 

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

 

 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

 

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

 

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

hahahahahaha :D :D

 

and how about the Spanish fireman who had twin sons

José and Hose B

Lol :)

 

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back..

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....a stick!!