D on't waste money buying

expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what

you want to look at.

 

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a

jug

of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage

is almost instantly removed.

 

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

someone

else to hold them while you chop away.

 

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding

at

people as they walk up the aisle.

 

Weight watchers: Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the

chocolate

bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the F***ing thing in the

first

place, you fat bastards.

 

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by

pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home

by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,

then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip

a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

X-Files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking

two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the

following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

 

Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start

eating cakes again.

 

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an

ideal coathanger in an emergency.

 

Hijackers: avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment

or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended

destination in the first place.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

 

Olympic athletes: disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic

steroids

by running a bit slower.

 

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply

pissing in the sink.

 

Weedy fellas: develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar

by buying one of those Kylie Minogue videos.

 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak

or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat

substitute etc. "tastes exactly like the real thing", they won't know

any

difference.

 

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt

be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about

yours, and ask for a nice steak.

 

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your

missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by

the wrong

name. See how long you can stay mounted for.

 

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always

circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment

from

the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and

check that

it has gone.

 

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of

cartoons

first, then reading the rest in a random order.

 

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a

while,

thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,

sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and

driving the wrong way up one way streets.

 

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your

chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

 

Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet

paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it!

 

Fiat Uno drivers: attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car

before

starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway,

so it may as well look like one.

 

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you

from going back to sleep.

LMAO- nice one!

Dave

Did you get a joke book for Christmas by any chance?

Cheers,

F.T.

funnily enogh i did, i got the FHM bar room jokes, anyone else get it?

Save the expense of a gravel drive by glueing rice crispies to your tyres thus giving you that same sound as you pull up outside your stately home.