some good old ones....

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let

your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain

should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the

Giro.

Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life. I've just

seen the trailer.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with

me because she can't afford batteries!

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. “I've been ringing 08001730 for

2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone?” Girl behind the

counter points out those are the opening times.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from

a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some swine's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing

line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs

back.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for

half an hour and started to feel sick. It's great though. It does

everything – Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his

wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he was still

going.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I

said "Wave" they legged it............