A Merry Xmas from the P.C. Brigade !!....

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe

for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also

consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,

particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,

permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To

avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request

that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise

nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety

regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate

seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and

orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due

to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should

watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd

observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her

glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued

with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and

Glory.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that

a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the

guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many

rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that

due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph

are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne

particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled

'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To

comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of

his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be

redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc,

gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential

risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift

alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients

name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in

order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or

satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice

regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA

for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require

regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also

advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is

inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of

any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer

from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary

action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full

investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on

full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Alan............:santa::santa::santa: