Me and mrs lampshader where going out tonight and there was a magpie in the road so i stop for it to fly off. Cue the mrs going ooo it's a beaver :confused: to which i give her a look and say it's a magpie, to which she replies well what was woody the wood pecker, err a woodpecker love. Now english isn't her first language but it is perfect so what the hell was she on.

Anyone else got stupid thing there mrs has come out with ?

A few years ago, I spotted a Kite, as in the bird, hovering over a field, I said to the wife at the time, "There's I Kite", "Where", she said. "There, in front your eyes!", She still didnt see it, I said, "There it is, diving!", "What?, the bird?", she replies, "Yes, the bird", I replied.

At that point she said...........

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I couldn't see the string!!"

Honey does filling the oil take this long normaly?

 

was doing it through the dip stick

Honey does filling the oil take this long normaly?

 

was doing it through the dip stick

 

 

Or the other, "I filled it to the top!!" "Of the dipstick?"

 

"No, top of the hole!!"

my little lady thought that deer lived under ground.

 

she is a bloody teacher!!! oh good god :(

cant live without us though :D

She said "I do" once

 

Damn now I feel stupid

cant live without us though :D

 

we can bloody well try :rofl:

we can bloody well try :rofl:

 

 

you'd have nothing to laugh at though! :wack:

you'd have nothing to laugh at though! :wack:

 

 

I can still laugh at you, just from a distance for preference :wack: :eek:

when I was younger I took a pretty young girl back to my parents and as parents do.. they grilled her about stuff.

The first thing they asked her was would you like a drink. her reply was "I dont like drink! but I drink any drink" as she said it she sought of lost control of her head and started twitching!! (this was a sign of what was to come).

 

Then my dad sked her what she wanted to do once she finishes college she replied

"Put plasters on people!"

(fair enough my dad thought she wants to put cast's on at a hospital)

So my dad says so you want to work in a hospital putting cast's on? her reply was;-

"No no no I want to put plasters on people"

I took her upstairs for a you know what then split up with her the day after!!! she was a freak.

she was really pretty until she got drunk then her eyes went all ****ed up one faced east the one west and she kept twitching. whats that all about????

must be some sort of incredible hulk transformation going on there :confused:

when I was younger I took a pretty young girl back to my parents and as parents do.. they grilled her about stuff.

The first thing they asked her was would you like a drink. her reply was "I dont like drink! but I drink any drink" as she said it she sought of lost control of her head and started twitching!! (this was a sign of what was to come).

 

Then my dad sked her what she wanted to do once she finishes college she replied

"Put plasters on people!"

(fair enough my dad thought she wants to put cast's on at a hospital)

So my dad says so you want to work in a hospital putting cast's on? her reply was;-

"No no no I want to put plasters on people"

I took her upstairs for a you know what then split up with her the day after!!! she was a freak.

she was really pretty until she got drunk then her eyes went all ****ed up one faced east the one west and she kept twitching. whats that all about????

 

you should of put her in the bath with your washing then :x:

was in the car with the misses and you know those trailer caravans that collapse into a trailer and then you need to erect when on site.... well told the misses that what you needed to do to erect them was to inflate them...... caught hook line and sinker until i cracked up, now she doesn't belive a word i say.

Not my missus but one of my mates that I sold my 7series BMW to phoned me a few months after he bought it to tell me it's overheating. I told him to let the car cool down a bit and then check to see if the water needed topping up. He said he would call me back.

 

I've put water in it but it still seems to be getting really hot really quick.

 

How much did you put in ?

 

About 3 litres.

 

3 litres ?. The resoviour only holds 2 ?. Where did you put it ?

 

in the top where the picture of a small watering can with drips was.

 

 

Needless to say I told him to turn off the engine and then got round to him for an engine flush and an oil and filter change followed by another oil and filter change 100 miles later.

Wifes Friend: "I'll have a bottle of MerloT (pronouncing the T) please".

Wife: "No you don't pronounce the T it's silent, you know, like Calais"

 

Wife: "Where are you going to work then"

Mate: "Barrow-in-Furness"

Wife "Ooh my brothers in Aberdeen, you can have a night out together".

 

Me: "How fast do you think raindrops fall"

Wife: "I don't know, about a thousand miles per hour?".

 

Me (going to work in Scotland): "Can you put the travel iron in my bag?"

Wife: "Can you plug it in up there?".

 

I love her to bits. More entertaining than the telly!!.

when I was younger I took a pretty young girl back to my parents and as parents do.. they grilled her about stuff.

The first thing they asked her was would you like a drink. her reply was "I dont like drink! but I drink any drink" as she said it she sought of lost control of her head and started twitching!! (this was a sign of what was to come).

 

Then my dad sked her what she wanted to do once she finishes college she replied

"Put plasters on people!"

(fair enough my dad thought she wants to put cast's on at a hospital)

So my dad says so you want to work in a hospital putting cast's on? her reply was;-

"No no no I want to put plasters on people"

I took her upstairs for a you know what then split up with her the day after!!! she was a freak.

she was really pretty until she got drunk then her eyes went all ****ed up one faced east the one west and she kept twitching. whats that all about????

That sounds like my ex, she wasn't from Preston was she? :rofl: I remember mine getting her dad to "have words" with me because she found out I'd phoned my brother during the day without her being there (to earwig!) That freaked me right out, needless to say I immediately bailed :duffer: .

no she was from Wigan but yer Ive had one a little bit like that, forget her name now but she used to ring me at breafast lunchtime and tea time asking me what i had to eat??????

Then she had spies out around st helens when I used to drink there, I would go out get leatered with the lads wake up the next morning not remembering what I had been up to only to be told by my girlfriend who wasnt even out!!!!!

You have me started on memories of my ex's lol

 

I met this bird one night in Ashton and we went back to her's (this is true by the way)

That night I think i give it to her about 3 times then I fell as sleep, only to be woken up by her about half an hour later with her trying to feed my chicken flavoured supernoodles. Told her were to go then fell back to sleep only to be woken up again about another half hour later with her rubbing herself up on a pillow at the side of me!!! So obviously I jumped on her back, it would be rude not to!!.

 

Any way the next morning when I woke up there was a letter on the side saying she had gone to her mums and she would be back soon. So i thought **** that im off. But to my horror she had taken the phone! locked all the doors and windows and hid the keys!!!!!! I had to climb out of the top window jump onto her garage then off her garage onto her skoda (lol) and went home (had night mares for days after that)

Another time I was seeing this nurse (another complete freak :headvswal ) we were at her mums and she tied me up and blind folded me, and gagged me lol as you do. She was stroking me all over with something hard and cold, felt ok didnt really tickle my pickle all that much tho. Anyway when she had stopped and after she had done what she wanted to me I wriggled out of my ties took my blindfold off (whilst she was cleaning herself up in the bathroom) only to find that she had been using a bloody meat cleaver, one of the biggest sharpest knives you could possible ever want around your private parts !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alarm Bells were ringing to say the least.

the moral of the story is dont go back home with raving, lunatic slappers!! lmao

right there hun however after a few beers, Always seems like a good idea at the time. Lol I have one coming to my house on friday.

And im going to see another one in West Kirby on Sat I just dont learn. One day i'll be found dead in a pool with a dildo up my arse!!

....

Anyone else got stupid thing there mrs has come out with ?

Almost everything she says!!! :x:

the moral of the story is dont go back home with raving, lunatic slappers!! lmao

 

you dont know exactly how mas they really are till you get them home