Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for

the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the

gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The

Daily Telegraph)

 

 

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole

salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she

was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

 

 

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The

Guardian)

 

 

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth

was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard

spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The

Times)

 

 

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard

on the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was

sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the

wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening

Express)

 

 

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience

with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each

week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she

recalled

"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses

came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out

"Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

 

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made

to their

passengers...

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your

service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,

you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want

to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

 

 

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering

from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let

you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

 

 

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great

time.The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere

between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach

our destination."

 

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a

security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here

for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass

some time together.All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging

on a wall.....'".

 

 

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker

Street is closed.It would have been nice if they had actually told me,

so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things

like that".

 

 

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it

to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

 

 

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the

sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not

provided".

 

 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on

then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going

home...."

 

 

"Please allow the doors to close.Try not to confuse this with

'Please hold the doors open'.The two are distinct and separate

instructions."

 

 

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means

that the doors are about to close.It does not mean throw yourself or

your bags into the doors."

 

 

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck

in the door"

 

 

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

understand?"

 

 

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move

ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal

message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of

the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs

away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e

sideways"

 

 

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking

allowed on any part of the Underground.However, if you are smoking

a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the

carriage".

 

:shock:

LMAO

love the gas bill one!

Also heard from the driver on the underground...

 

"The doors open; the doors close; the doors open; I don't mind, I'm at work you on the other hand..."

great stuff.

Remember one from DLR when stuck...

 

"Sorry about the delay, ladies and gentlemen, I haven't a clue why this is and I've been asked to make something up. I can't be arsed because it's my last day. I hope you're all enjoying Metro - I've got a coffee and a croissant and the sun is shining, so I'm alright."