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Some midweek humour.....

Guest andyduff

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Guest andyduff



This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive

restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking

arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you

please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the

manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fucking

manager of this bastard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you

could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'

'Fuck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fucking piano?'

'Pardon?' says the manager.

'Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit,

show me your cunting piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and

shows the bloke to the piano.

'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I fucking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most

inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever


'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my

dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.

The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager

has ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager, 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in

the soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic


The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has

ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

'As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your

hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job

on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of

the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,

sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling

out the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little 'G' string she's

wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on

asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to

furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.


'Where's that bastard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to

the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and

starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the

piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and

bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

'Know it' he said, 'Hell I wrote it.'











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